07 September 2005

How the Military Deal With Snakes

Those gifs are really disturbing me now, every time I go to my blog they are there hurting my eyes, I need to get them away from the top quickly, as I've been out for a meal tonight and can't really think of anything to write about here's one that was emailed to me earlier.

HOW THE MILITARY DEAL WITH SNAKES

INFANTRY
Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

PARACHUTE REGT
Lands on and kills snake.

ARMOUR
Runs over snake. Laughs and looks for more snakes.

CAVALRY
Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective - to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

ROYAL MARINE COMMANDO
Plays with snake. Gets smashed with snake. Eats snake.

COMBAT ENGINEER
Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

ARTILLERY
Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

SPECIAL FORCES
Makes contact with snake and ignoring Foreign Office directives builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller 'Python-Two-Zero'.

ARMY MEDICAL SERVICES
Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

ROYAL NAVY
Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

TA
Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.

RAF
Obtains geo-coordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet. Can't find snake. Drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

INTELLIGENCE CORPS
Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.

DEFENCE LOGISTICS ORGANISATION
Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M, generating massive workload at Grade 1 staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output cost savings by inclusion of snake meat in Tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star Tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2005. Snake experts from Special forces and Gurkhas do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

DEFENCE PROCUREMENT AGENCY
Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and £3Bn over budget the project is scrapped and a Commercial Off The Shelf snake is bought from the USA for $10Bn.

ADJUTANT GENERAL
Respects and values the snake's unique contribution, irrespective of its race, ethnic origin, religion or gender and without reference to social background or sexual orientation. Loses interest.

4 comments:

  1. That is Hilarious...OK perhaps as I work for one of the mentioned organisations and along side others mentioned I am biased, but I will have to send that round work :o)

    WV: ispot - mp3 player for small yappy dogs

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  2. Dave the tiler08 September, 2005

    The old ones are the old ones Jane, but this one is particularly fine, and reads so truly.

    LOL

    qxztycl!: Aztec exclamation for "a puma has just eaten my wife!"

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  3. Aginoth - I'm surprised you haven't seen it I got it from someone who works in one of the mentioned organisations too. I particularly like the TA one.

    Dave - Glad you enjoyed it.

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  4. saw a similar one a while back but didn't cover DPA and DLO, and was about rabbits

    ReplyDelete